Trying to be in control:
As a self-confessed recovering control freak, I write this from experience and from the heart. And everything I say sounds simple, I know, but trust me that I know how difficult it is if you in any way take comfort from being in control (or believing that you’re in control).
My career took a fairly linear path in terms of moving up the management tree: first of all team leader of a little team, then team leader of more people; moved up to manager then more people to manage; senior manager, more people; multiple teams and sections, more people. You get the idea!
With this many people reporting in to me, I still tried my best to know exactly what was happening in my team, how things were being done, what people were doing, where they were, what they were doing well, what they were struggling with (hence burnout in 2020, mentioned throughout my blog posts as it was the basis of most of my habit, behaviour and life change).
A good manager needs to know exactly what’s going on at all times, right? Oh dear. Cue chronic stress for many years.
It’s all an illusion:
I’m sure most of us know this but I’m going to say it anyway as we humans know many things and then behave as if we don’t: being in control is all an illusion.
Of course we can control some things, but being entirely in control of a large team and what happens within it is entirely impossible. As guess what: it involves people who often do what they want, when they want. Apart from all of the other external factors that influence the dynamics of a large team.
Us humans by design love certainty which is one of the factors that drives a need for control, but ultimately trying to control any situation leads to increased anxiety and stress.
It was so freeing when I realised there could be a different way. Freeing for me and freeing for the people I was working with and managing.
Three benefits of letting go:
Less stress and anxiety for you
It’s human to cling to control for safety, but in reality this has the opposite effect as however much we try, it’s not possible to have total control of most of our lives. Trying to be in control of people and external factors can be a never ending journey to achieve something that’s unachievable and this creates stress and fuels anxiety.
Once we accept that control of external events is not possible (tips on how to get started with this later), we can move to focusing on ourselves and what we can control.
Start doing this in small steps, you’ll start to realise how much of a positive effect it can have on you and your life, you’ll do more of it and big changes will start to happen.
2. Creating a culture of trust
Research shows that building a culture of trust at work makes a huge difference to employee engagement, motivation, productivity and overall happiness and satisfaction. More on this in this great article, The Neuroscience of Trust, which explains what’s happening with us humans at a deeper level when we’re provided with a working environment based on trust.
Stephen Covey the writer of the classic business book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People also said “Trust is the highest form of human motivation. It brings out the very best in people.”
Only by starting to let go of control can a culture of trust begin to be established. Pretty impossible for someone to feel trusted when they have no space to be able to make decisions for themselves.
3. More psychological safety
Coined by the Novartis Professor of Leadership and Management at Harvard Business School, Amy Edmondson, psychological safety is described as a shared belief that the team is safe for interpersonal risk-taking. In an environment with high levels of psychological safety team members feel safe enough to take risks and be vulnerable in front of each other.
In 2012 Google conducted a well known study across 180 teams (Project Aristotle) to identify the key factors that make teams successful, and psychological safety was identified as one of five key success characteristics.
By letting go of control at both a team and personal level, psychological safety can grow.
Actively ask people for opinions, be open to different ways of working, allow people the space to make mistakes, and when you can and when feels appropriate, be vulnerable as a leader and with colleagues.
5 ways to get started:
Let go of perfection
“Remember that fear always lurks behind perfectionism.” David D. Burns
This needs to be a consistent choice on an ongoing basis
Understanding where your perfectionism comes from is the first step in being able to change
Work on accepting your weaknesses and shortcomings, then move on to spending your time focusing on your strengths
Embrace the uncomfortable process of letting go of perfection and encourage this across your whole team / organisation
2. Focus on yourself
“Most people want to change the world to improve their lives, but the world they need to change first is the one inside themselves.” John C. Maxwell
This is the only area of life that you can control
If you focus on you, you’ll stop wasting energy trying to control others and external situations
Ask yourself what you can do to influence or better a situation, and do it
Rather than focusing on what others aren’t doing, or getting frustrated about what you can’t change
3. Focus on empowering others
“Empowerment is all about letting go so that others can get going.” Kenneth H. Blanchard
Accepting that you can’t control others makes it easier to let go of trying
When a team member or colleague asks you to how to solve a situation, ask them what they think
And actively listen to what they have to say
Seek out and be open to the ideas and inputs of others
Be a supportive and positive influence, and you’ll get the same back
4. Take a minute
“Before you act, think. Before you spend, earn. Before you criticise, wait. Before you quit, try.” Ernest Hemingway
When you feel yourself go into ‘controller’ mode stop and take a minute
Ask yourself why you’re doing it
Ask what you can do differently right now
Do it!
In the right situations, be vulnerable and let people know this is something you’re working on
5. Defer over delegation
“Don’t tell people how to do things, tell them what to do and let them surprise you with their results.” George S. Patton
Delegating: handing off your responsibilities
Deferring: passing activities to someone else before they ever hit your to-do list
Let people have full remit to complete the task their way
And then you can have more time to focus on what you need to do
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