When Being "Nice" Makes You Disappear: The Difference Between Collaborative Leadership and People-Pleasing That Erodes Presence

Karen
5 days ago
6 min read

It happens in small moments you barely register.

You're in a stakeholder meeting. You have a strong view on the proposed approach, but you frame it as a question rather than a position. You add "I'm not sure if this makes sense, but..." before sharing your expertise. You apologise for "jumping in" when you're literally the person meant to be leading the discussion.

You tell yourself you're being collaborative. Professional. A team player.

But in fact, you've made yourself disappear.

The Invisible Erosion

For 12 years in learning delivery and operations leadership roles, I sat in rooms where it was hard to have my voice heard. Rooms full of people giving their opinion, talking over each other to make their point: confident, outspoken male leaders who prioritised speaking their point over listening to other points of view. So I know how easy it is to be the quiet person in the room, the person who doesn’t say their point (which is probably better than a lot of others) because it takes a lot to speak up in a room full of extroverts.

However not speaking up costs you your presence, influence and confidence.

According to a 2024 study in Administrative Science Quarterly, women leaders often use counter-stereotypical language in the workplace – referencing more dominant words like 'powerful' and 'assertive' – yet face backlash from both media and public perception when they do.

The gap between collaborative leadership and people-pleasing looks subtle on the surface. But the impact on your credibility, your team's respect and your own self-trust is not subtle at all.

What Collaborative Leadership Looks Like in Practice

Collaborative leadership means you create space for diverse perspectives while still holding your ground when you need to. You listen, you consider, you adjust where it serves the outcome. But you don't vanish.

You might say:

"I've heard the concerns. Here's what I'm proposing and why."

"Let's align on this: I need X to happen by Y. What support do you need to deliver that?"

"I appreciate the input. I am proceeding with the initial plan.”

Notice what's present: clarity, decisiveness, respect for others' views, and zero apologies for defining a baseline.

Collaborative leaders solicit viewpoints. They don't beg permission to exist in the conversation.

What People-Pleasing Looks Like (And Why It Destroys Presence)

People-pleasing wears the mask of collaboration, but underneath it's fear-driven. Your choices prioritise peer approval over the final goals – you are weighing individual sensitivities, potential resistance or your own reputation above the project's needs.

You might say:

"Sorry, can I just quickly add something?"

"This might be a silly idea, but..."

"I don't want to step on anyone's toes, but what if we considered..."

"Does that make sense?" (after presenting something you're fully qualified to present)

Every hesitation, every protective layer of language and every moment of backpedalling alerts the room: I'm not sure I should be here. I'm not sure I deserve this seat. Please don't be annoyed with me.

And your team stops looking to you for direction. Because you've taught them that you don't trust the lens you bring.

Sometimes when I was in a challenging room, I softened myself in moments where it would have been easier to stay quiet than to be bold. I would ease the edges off a point that mattered, frame a decision as a suggestion, or hold back the sentence I knew would move the conversation forward. In those moments, it felt like the sensible choice: a way to avoid discomfort or potential pushback.

What I learned, though, is that the cost of that safety shows up later. It shows up in the quiet frustration that follows a meeting when you realise you didn’t say what you really thought, or in the sinking feeling when someone else articulates the very point you had been holding back and receives positive feedback for it. That regret lingers far longer than the brief discomfort of speaking up ever would.

Over time, I came to understand that confidence isn’t something you wait to feel before you speak. It’s something that is built through action. The first time you say the thing you were hesitating over, it can feel awkward and exposing. You might replay it afterwards or question how it landed. But nothing catastrophic happens. More often than not, people listen, and the conversation moves forward because of it.

Once you have taken that risk, it becomes easier to do so again. Each moment of choosing over safety shifts something internally. Gradually, you begin to trust your judgement more. Your voice steadies. Your confidence grows, not because fear disappears, but because you have evidence that you can speak up and handle the outcome.

The Collaborative vs. People-Pleasing Test

Not sure which side you're on? Ask yourself these questions:

Do you adjust what you say depending on who might not like it?

Collaborative: You tailor how you deliver feedback to suit the person, but the substance stays intact.

People-pleasing: You water down the feedback itself to avoid tension.

Do you hold your position when you know you're right?

Collaborative: You invite challenge, but you don't fold when someone dismisses without justification.

People-pleasing: You retreat the moment someone questions you, even when their objection doesn't stand up to scrutiny.

Do you apologise for projecting your voice?

Collaborative: You respect others' time by being concise and prepared.

People-pleasing: You belittle your own right to speak, contribute or exist in the session.

Do you own your decisions, or do you distribute accountability so no one blames you?

Collaborative: You decide, express your stance and accept what comes from it.

People-pleasing: You involve 17 people in the decision so that if it goes wrong, no one can pin it on you.

If you find yourself defaulting to people-pleasing more than you'd like to admit, you're not alone. But you need to know what it's doing to your leadership presence.

The Cost of Nice

When you prioritise being liked over being clear, you lose three things fast:

Respect

Your team stops believing in your lead because you've shown them you question yourself at every turn. They escalate to you constantly because they know you won't decide without validating it with six other people first.

Influence

Stakeholders stop listening when you speak because you've taught them your view bends to whoever applies the most pressure. You fade into the room in meetings you should be leading.

Confidence

Each moment you back down to avoid conflict, you deepen the impression that you can’t support your own choices. That internal voice gets louder: "Maybe I'm not cut out for this. Maybe I don't know what I'm doing.”

You didn't lose your confidence because you suddenly became incompetent. You lost it because you conditioned yourself to devalue your own intuition.

How to Lead Collaboratively Without Disappearing

Rebuilding presence while staying collaborative requires recalibrating three core behaviours:

1. Own Your Expertise Without Apology

You were hired for your judgment. Use it.

2. Stop wrapping difficult messages in disclaimers

Feedback loses all impact when you bury it in qualifiers. If someone's performance needs to improve, tell them directly.

3. Let Silence Do the Work

When you finish speaking, stop.

I learned this during a high-stakes client presentation in Singapore. I'd just outlined a significant programme change, then immediately added "But let me know if that doesn’t work for you."

The client paused, looked at me, and said: "I’m not sure that’s going to work, what are the other options?”

I'd undermined my own recommendation because I couldn't sit with the discomfort of potential disagreement. That moment taught me: silence after a clear statement is power. Filling it with backtracking is self-sabotage.

What Changes When You Stop People-Pleasing

Your team takes full accountability for their steps. They stop funnelling every crossroad to your desk because you’ve demonstrated faith in your own instincts.

Stakeholders take you seriously. You become someone who dispels ambiguity, not someone who needs constant reassurance.

You stop doubting yourself. Every time you speak without qualifying, you reinforce that you know what you're doing.

The Decision You Need to Make

Stop treating your presence as an invitation that needs to be validated. Confidence is not a feeling you wait for; it is a standard you enforce. You build your inner authority by refusing to buffer your insights, acting with unqualified conviction long before the rest of the room catches up.

Collaborative leadership and people-pleasing look similar from the outside. But one builds influence, and the other erodes it.

Which one are you choosing today?

Want to rebuild your leadership presence so you stop disappearing in rooms you should own?

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